Some bosses seem to think they are the center of the universe. They can be extremely difficult people to work with or for, but before you run screaming from the office, consider these four ways to cope.
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Writing for the High Conflict Institute, Bill Eddy, LCSW reminds us that personality is formed during childhood, and personality traits are not easily changed. Rather, they are deeply ingrained. You cannot change your boss’s narcissistic tendencies, but you can develop skills to help you deal with his toxic behavior patterns.
1. Understand Narcissism
A narcissistic person’s moods swing back and forth; at the same time, they are predictable. He likely believes he is superior to others, but on an unconscious level, is quite insecure. Direct confrontation seldom goes well and is ill-advised.
Your self-centered boss might seem like two different people: the sweet-talking manager who “kisses up” to folks higher on the corporate ladder, and the vindictive boss who blames everybody else for everything. Both modes are temporary and you can learn to manage your own behavior in order to best manage his.
2. Show Empathy or Respect
Do not lie and make up a bunch of compliments just to get on his good side. Offer a sincere compliment when it is deserved. Even your narcissistic manager does some things well. If you notice these good things, you may find yourself in his favor.
Ask him for advice or help when appropriate. He may appreciate others acknowledging his superior skills. If he really is good at something, you may benefit from asking his advice. At the same time, remember the next vital step in this list:
3. Take Nothing Personally
Remind yourself that your boss’s responses or reactions are not about you. They are about his need to feel superior. If he is being snarky or patronizing, remember this is not a reflection on you or your work, but rather caused by his own deep-seated needs. Donna Flagg at Psychology Today recommends simply not responding to your boss’s bravado and dealing with the facts.
4. Correct Misinformation
In keeping with the idea of sticking with the facts, you should correct any misinformation as it arises. If your boss says something belittling about you — for example, how you always get work done at the last minute — you may both defend yourself and avoid direct confrontation.
Simply respond with facts in an unemotional tone. “I turned in the Brown report early so that the client could request revisions. I then made the revisions and turned it in when due.”
If you’re honest and accurate and support your statements with data, it will be hard for the boss to sell others on the idea that you don’t do your job.
Tell Us What You Think
Do you work with a narcissistic manager or co-worker? We want to hear from you! Leave a comment or join the discussion on Twitter.
I am currently working for a narcissist manager. I knew she was a bad boss, but I had never been able to understand why she acted the way she does until I read this article and the article on the High Conflict Institute website. She frequently makes me feel that the job is living hell. Until our junior staff arrive, I am the only one under her supervision, so I get the brunt of things when she is on a… Read more »
Myself & 6 others are social workers under the “supervision” of a narcissist manager. She has every person of higher status fooled (because they are her narcissistic supply), while she treats all of us “below” her, as though we are a poor excuse for human beings. she is so full of herself, that it would be wonderful if she would self-implode. She managed to fill her narcissistic supply from our previous manager that she idealized to the hilt, then tore… Read more »
I had to work with a new boss sometimes in 2010 and immediately he resumed he started advising me to resign. That battle I had to fight for about three years cos I felt he had to right asking me to resign. Fast forward 3 years after a new person was employed to take his position , a very wonderful woman. There was nothing negative my former boss didn`t say about me. he went about spreading all sorts of falsehood… Read more »
I’ve worked for a number of narcissistic bosses in the role of an Adviser to them. The problem is if you give advise which makes them feel they have somehow missed something of importance (even if the conversation is in private without making it personal or confrontational), then in my experience they will still try to insult you, indirectly bring you into question/spread rumors about you or just get rid of you from the company. This is typically because ‘they… Read more »
The employees at our company fall into 2 categories: those who know the boss is a narcissist (and talk about it amongst ourselves) and those who don’t. The younger, less-experienced one’s don’t know – and are easily emotionally manipulated, denigrated etc – even to turn on each other when the boss needs his narcissistic fix. Those with big ego’s (low self-esteem) are the most easily manipulated. The rest of us remain an enigma to him, and our collective and stubborn… Read more »
I accepted a job after interviewing with my Manager, his Manager and the Director of Operations for our North American Manufacturing Plants; all of which I had good alignment for strategy and building teamwork to get results. On my last day with my previous company I was told by HR, not to report to the Corporate Offices, but to go to a local manufacturing facility. There, I was greeted by my officially unofficial narcissist boss for the first time. He… Read more »
Yes, this works. My boss mellowed out quite a bit. but I did have to put up with lots of shnaniggans though. Just have to know that what bosses say is his opinions not necessarily facts.
Great ideas. thanks for sharing
My boss is the king of narcissism. After many years (maybe too many) of working with him, I still don’t know who he really is other than what I’m writing here. He has to win everything; he’s condescending; he’s indirectly and directly insulting; he feigns interest to find out about an employee and then uses what he learns against the person, usually indirectly. Depending on his mood, however, he is forgiving of mistakes unless they are costly to the company… Read more »