Are you a dog-loving, valid driver’s license-holding, non-smoking aesthete who’s organized, humble and willing to whip up delicious meals or swim out into the ocean after a runaway pooch?
If so — and if you can meet several un-indented paragraphs’ worth of other qualifications — we may have a gig for you. It’s the worst job in the world: personal assistant to a pair of biotech professionals with very specific requirements for their new PA.
Think I’m being too mean? Judge for yourself. Per the Craigslist posting:
You aren’t dramatic or tightly wound, however, you’re also not lazy or sloth-like (nothing against sloths). You’re level-headed and your friends think you have great judgment. You’re down to earth, not cocky, humble, and always willing to admit when you’re wrong. You aren’t too stubborn to apologize. You don’t get defensive and deflect. You own your mistakes and see them as opportunities to improve. You have confidence in yourself and although you are very empathetic, you rarely get overwhelmed by your emotions. You aren’t dramatic and you aren’t having regular melt-downs. You’re warm, welcoming, and always down for a good time. You take pride in your work quality (no matter what it is — big or small) and believe everything you create is a reflection of you and your character/abilities so you want it to be good. You notice inefficiencies and tend to find ways to save time, streamline, or automate where you can. You’re observant and detail-oriented. You always know where your keys are or where your wallet is because you make it a point to place them in the same place. You have a great memory and rarely have to say “Oh, I forgot.” You believe that there’s a place for everything and everything should be in its place. You’re naturally organized and clean. You don’t like messiness. You feel compelled to straighten items if they’re crooked. Aesthetics, design, and beauty in life are things that you notice and appreciate. It genuinely makes you happy to help others and make others smile. You find it rewarding to do things for others. (If you don’t feel this way, you will either hate this role or it will be awkward for us because you won’t seem happy.)
The listing goes on, but that seems like as good a place to stop as any.
I’m Sold. How Can This Job Be Mine?
Other requirements for the position include fluency in English, no drug use or heavy drinking (specified max of five drinks per week), touch-typing 60+ words per minute, and experience with GSuite, MSOffice and Adobe Suite. Also, you need to be a prior dog owner, so you’ll be able to — and I swear this is real — “protect a dog from being attacked by another dog” and be “[w]illing and happy to clean up occasional dog vomit and/or diarrhea.”
BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE. Due to “high demand,” the posters say that they’ve adjusted the pay range for this position to $15-35/hour, from the original $25-30. That’s right, there’s a chance you could make a whopping $15 an hour to give these people pedicures and curate their Insta feeds and fight off rival dogs who are trying to help their dog escape. (Let’s be honest about what’s actually going on there.)
If you’re still interested after all that, there are (of course) rules for applying in the job posting, including parameters for the five-minute video which you’ll be required to send with your application.
Tell Us What You Think
Is this the worst job listing you’ve ever seen, or do you have this beat? We’re ready to be one-upped. Hit us with your horror stories in the comments or come yell at us on Twitter.